My Story

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1996 to 2007
aged: 10
From: St. Helens

Though her smile is gone forever
And her hand we cannot touch
We still have so many memories
Of the one we love so much

Her memories are our keepsakes
With which we'll never part
God has her in his keeping
We have her in our hearts


Charlotte Elizabeth Amelia Baines was the beloved daughter of Michael and Jeannette Baines, but she left us to be an angel in the early hours of 19th May 2007. She was just 10 years old and was a year 6 pupil at Bleak Hill Junior School, St. Helens.

Charlotte had been ill for nearly 2 years, having been diagnosed with a brain tumor in August 2005. It started off by causing a slight tremor in her right hand, but gradually spread to her whole right side. She had chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatments throughout 2006 and, for a while, it looked like she was making a good recovery, to the extent we were able to take her to Florida. We'd had to cancel in 2005 because of her illness. She swam with the dolphins and visited all the theme parks and had a great time.

But, tragically, in November she suffered a seizure and we found the tumor had started growing again and was spreading rapidly. Nothing could be done to prevent it.

Her mum and Dad have been by her side constantly for the last 7 months as she got weaker and weaker.

Lottie was so brave throughout her illness. Her only complaint to begin with was that she couldn't cartwheel around the house and infact everywhere she went. I remember one night walking into the living room to find her doing cartwheels my heart was in my mouth and I could have fainted with shock. So as not to frighten her i made her promise that she would only cartwheel while either me or her dad where present. She was fine with that but im not 100% sure she kept to that.

The reason I'm not sure is because Lottie was very mischievous. In January this year we were told they were stopping her treatment because it wasnt working. I cant begin to describe how that felt, we had never told Lottie how ill she was, but she was a bright kid and i think eventually she had worked it out for herself. However, one of the side effects of the tumour growing and multiplying was Lottie forgetting her vocabulary. One particular night back in January her dad asked her what she wanted for tea and she spoke some kind of gobbledegook to him and he walked out looking very worried. After he left the room Lottie laughed and said 'caught you', we shouted him back into the room and told him and all had a laugh. Another time she pretended to me that she was going to be sick I jumped up and got a tupperware container to collect it in and she burst out laughing saying she had never seen me move so quickly. Those times melted my heart.

When back in November last year they told us the tumours were growing they told us there was a new treatment which they could try a form of chemo. When I told her about it she said 'oh well i will probably lose some hair again, but its ok because it will grow again and if not ive got those lovely hats you bought last year'. Another heart melting moment how balanced was my baby.

A couple of words she kept the longest were 'I love you' or 'I wuv you'. She said these so often to us i was convinced she had some idea of what was happening. We always gave her hope always - how could we not. I told her that when she was better we where going on the shopping trip of a lifetime. I said we would go to London, to find the biggest Clare's in the world and spend all of dads money on ear rings.

Anything big and colourful, preferably pink was Lottie's choice. I didn't go on about the trip but felt I needed to give her something to look forward to. She thought this was a great idea.

She has some of the most elaborate ear rings you have ever seen.

In January this year she chose to be baptised. She did say when we discussed it what are the benefits for me and i told her she could choose a name herself, choose her godparents and maybe get some presents. I didnt want to tell her the religious reasons because I didnt want to frighten her. She was more than happy to be baptised - i think it was the presents that swung it.

She chose her most favourite people to be her god-parents, her childminder (who acutally was far more than a childminder) Auntie Sue, and her daughter Emma.

I spoke to Father Tom and he was brilliant. At the same time our friends had decided to have their daughter baptised and they asked Charlotte if she wanted to be her godmother - she was delighted. The plan was to have them baptised together at our house. Lottie went downhill fairly rapidly and we had to get on with her baptism, so it was just me her dad, Sue and Emma and Father Tom. I mentioned to Father Tom previously about the earrings I felt I needed to warn him. He said he was fine - providing she didn't want him to wear them too.

It was a remarkably special time. Lottie bought her own outfit from Tammy Girl for 12 pounds from her pocket money. She wore the reddest lipstick i have ever seen and the biggest earrings ever. I had to warn Father Tom when he arrived, he thought it was funny. We both read a prayer and Lottie joined in the prayers. It was very emotional for me but wonderful. Lottie decided on the restaurant afterwards and it was an all round special event.

She chose the name Amelia after the baby daughter of our best friends, who was born while we were in Florida, and we thought that was a lovely name to fit with her others - we mostly called her Lottie.

I can't believe I'm writing this stuff..........

When we first told Lottie about her tumour and about how it had formed
(cells growing in a place that they shouldn't), she decided to give it a name and called it Fred. She said it wasnt Fred's fault that these cells had grown in a place that they shouldn't. We were blown away, but worried too. What we didnt want was for her to turn this into an imaginary friend. She had a very vivid imagination and was always creating friends and people and situations to play with.

I told her that actually we didn't like Fred and would be doing everything we could to get him out of her head and gone forever. Her attitude was and always has been lets just get on with this, no fuss whatever we have to do lets just do it.

It was partly because of her attitude we were able to be so brave. We got a lot of 'brave' from Lottie.

School was really important to her and so we would take her off for her treatment and then take her into school. Then we would go to work be distracted for a period and then go home and be 'normal'.

Auntie Sue (childminder) was invaluable during the last 21 months. I am so so lucky to have had her care for Lottie. She loved her like she does the others she cares for. She was always more than a childminder, Lottie loved her so much. There were times we would go to collect Lottie and she wouldn't want to come home.

At Sues were some of her best friends, other girls from he class. One in paticular who over the Christmas period Lottie talked about to our neighbour. The children were talking about best friends and Charlotte mentioned this particular friend and said that she was her best friend 'because she is always there for me.' This stuff just melts your heart doesn't it!

There was only one time when Lottie did complain about her condition. That was generated by her inablility to do cartwheels. All her friends where cartwheeling at Aunty Sue's, when I collected her Sue mentioned it to me because she had encouraged the girls to do something else, something that Lottie could do with them. The following day she went to her friends and a group of them climbed over the fence which, they always had done, but Lottie couldn't. Her right arm and leg had been affected by the tumour and just weren't strong enough anymore. Anyway she came home that evening and just wasn't her normal self. I talked to her and eventually she told me at bedtime that she wanted to die because she hated her life. The three of us just lay on her bed and cried.

We talked about the treatment and physio, and all the positive things we could think of. She went to bed in a better mood, but we just cried for the rest of the night.

She never complained ever again.

We had been told in July that the tumour had shrunk, which enabled us to go to places like Florida and Centre Parcs.

In October one group of doctors said the tumour had returned whilst another the person responsible for her radio therapy treatment said no what could be seen on the scans was scar tissue from the treatment. How wrong he was - saddly.

After her seizure in November it was more than apparant it was back with a vengence.

Even then she was brilliant. After the seizure she lost some of her vocabulary and got a bit confused. She looked at me one day and didn't know who I was, she called her dad Grandad. It was awful. She was always in charge of the remote control for the telly at home. In hospital she called it 'an engine'. When she got better we remided her of some of the things she had said she laughed, we all laughed but inside we were dying - Lottie literally.

When we went to Florida last year I as usual had a timetble for what we were doing, where we were going etc. I had to get Lotties ok but really she was fine about it all. We tried to do as much as we could recognising that she tired easily and because of the weakness in her leg and arm we had to take everything at her pace.

We had passes for all the theme parks including bush gardens. We had a ride on a speed boat planned. This turned out to be fantastic. We should have seen dolphins but didn't so the guy in charge kept us out a bit longer and went really really fast she love it. She lost her hat and her hair ended up looking wild but she laughed and laughed on tht trip. I Included in our timetable 'wednesday - packing'. She was most disappointed. Telling me it wouldn't take all day, couldn't we do it really quickly and stuff, when really we had booked the day with the dolphins.

She loved her time in the theme parks. She was a real dare devil she went on all the big rides. We had such good fun. She could remember the previous time we had been, her dad had told her to wear a hat and stand as tall as she could so she was tall enough to go onto the rides. This time was no problem. she got wet on all the wet rides, screamed on all the mad rides and laughed on all the others.

The night before we went to see the dolphins we told her and she was delighted. She had a wonderful day, we all had a wonderful day.

She had also perfected the art of shopping and getting her dad and his wallet just at the right time, which is no mean feat. We had manicures and generally did all the things she wanted to do without making it obvious that was what we doing.

Yesterday when I was talking to Lottie I asked her forgiveness for her service. I told her that I know she doesnt like fuss or being the centre of attention but that her service is about her and bringing together her 18'th and 21'st and all those special occasions into one, and so lots of people will be attending to say 'bye'.

She will be the absolute focus for everyone. We have had some of her favorite pictures enlarged and we will be playing some of her fav songs.
Again father Tom has been great but I think even he will be surprised at the attendance.

What can I say? Where do I begin to tell people about Lotties service? It was something we had started to plan a couple of weeks ago. Mostly because I knew that there were things I needed, a pink coffin for one, songs which she loved and flowers with sparkle on them.

I don't want anyone to think that although we did plan early we ever lost hope because we didn't not for a second.

Lottie hasn't had many choices in the last 21 months but I tried to think what would she have wanted.

Everything went as planned yesterday. I asked Lottie to share some more of her 'brave' with me and her dad one last time. I told her it only had to be for a couple of hours. She shared it with us in abundance as usual.

The church was full, family and friends, and people who just knew us. Friends of the three of us, as individuals and as a complete family.

My personal friend who has been a family friend for as long as I can remember was wonderful, all she had was one line left and she did it. I so wanted to get up and help her, she loved Lottie so much that she was one of the first in the queue volunteering for tasks little did she know......

Then Marie, who I have been friends with for the last 19years. Marie's daughter Helen was murdered all those years ago and I was Marie's family liaison officer. We became such good friends that when I returned to work after my maternity leave Marie looked after Lottie for me. (Yes I over stepped all the rules of a family liaison officer. So much so I went on to train others 'how not to do it'. Marie's attitude is 'you were and have been there for me, now i want to be here for you.'

The head Ian, from school said some lovely stuff about her. What we particulary love is the mischievous stories. These tales from the teachers and children introduce us to a wonderful side of our daughter that we never saw, the side parents don't see.

Sue's eulogy was perfect. The reason we asked her to do it was obvious, next to us Sue knew our daughter best. Again she saw a side of her that we didn't experience. Although we had read it previously it made our hearts swell and brought smiles to our eyes and our mouths which although fleeting were genuine.

I love some of the messges from the childen who appreciated the colour of her coffin. Those that remembered her arriving in a pink limmo for her 10th birthday party last year. A wonderful time when Lottie was well.

Lotties flowers were of course pink, with sparkly jewels attached and sparkle sprayed all over them. Apparantly a passerby was confused when they saw us wearing pink roses for button holes, again covered in sparkle.

Ive never seen such a variety of pink clothing and never seen so many men wearing pink shirts.

We especially chose the reading by her Uncle John who did a wonderful job too. Its called 'She is gone':

You can shed a tear that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray
That'll she'll come back,
Or you can open them and see, all that she has left you.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
Or you can be full of the love you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow, and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow, because of yesterday.
You can remeber her and only tht she is gone,
Or you can cherish her memeory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you cando what Charlotte would want:

SMILE,BE HAPPY, OPEN YOUR EYES, LOVE, LIVE LIFE AND GO ON.

We chose this because Lottie was such a positive little person, together with all her brave.

The songs are some of Charlottes favorites 'chasing cars' is one that she sang to me whilst watching the ice dancing recently. That might not seem that impressive to you but she had lost most of her vocabulary at that time so it was amazing and made me cry. 'My heart will go on' is from one of her three favourite films, Titanic. Her other films were Grease and West Side Story. One of her songs from West Side Story is Somewhere a place for us ......


It was a lovely sunny day for a lovely sunny girl........


12 weeks ago today (monday) we went out for the last time with Lottie. She loved to go for a drive and have a sleep in the car. We would stop somewhere and have lunch then drive back. She wasn't eating or talking very much then but it was a nice sunny day and she said she wanted to go out.

We went to Grassmere in the lakes and typical of Lottie (always thinking of someone else) she wanted to buy Auntie Sue some mint cake because she knew it was her fav. I happen to know she hasn't opened it and will probably keep it forever.

Lottie slept all the way there and back and when we got home she said 'I've had a lovely day mum'. Then back to her then position on the couch with me at the other end massaging her feet. (I really don't like feet but I loved Lottie's. I could massage her feet for hours, which she loved.)

It would be Lottie's 11th birthday on Sunday so we have decided to go back to Grassmere for the day. We have got a CD of lots of her fav songs, iwhich, we will play all the way there and back.

Charlotte has another name now thanks to our friends from our local. They bought her a star. Its Charlottes star in the constellation of Andromeda. Andromeda is the Latin word for Princess. We think its a lovely idea and can't wait to look for it. We have got a telescope because Charlotte had an interest in the glalaxy.

Today is a funny day I've been preparing to give her favourite doll Marika together with a wardrobe of clothes to her friend Sam. This is a doll we bought from the internet last year at the end of her radiotherapy treatment. We bought it because she was so brave. We think its quite ugly but Lottie loved it. Sam her best friend got one too at the same time and they both played with them for hours, dressing, undressing and pushing them around in different prams. I decided that Lottie would love Sam to have it to continue to play with, rather than me just keeping it in the pram.

As soon as I arrived at Sam's i realised that I had made the right decision about the doll. She hugged it and kissed it, she dressed and undressed it and when it was time for bed she put her p. j.'s on her and cuddled her. Charlotte would have been pleased. We have agreed that when Sam goes on holiday I will look after Marika and that has made me feel better.

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